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WildWind

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http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/#axzz2c55xWS8E

 

Анекдоты об адвокатах

 

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

 

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

 

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?

 

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

 

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Were you alone or by yourself?

 

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?

A: That's me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken

 

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

 

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I'll be three months on March 12th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

 

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

 

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

 

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

So, you were gone until you returned?

 

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

 

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

 

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.

Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?

A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c57yBniZ

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Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

 

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

 

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

 

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

 

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

 

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

 

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

 

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"

The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

 

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?

A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

 

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?

A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c585cWMk

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A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58BF0PP

 

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

 

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

 

"Three dollars an ounce."

 

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

 

"Four dollars an ounce."

 

"How much for lawyer brain?"

 

"$1,000 an ounce."

 

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

 

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58HANJX

 

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

 

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58LdsQ7

 

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

 

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

 

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

 

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

 

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58QiDEv

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A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

 

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

 

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

 

"Your right. It's mine."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58XmVmE

 

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

 

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58eZn2T

 

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

 

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

 

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

 

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

 

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58k7G7T

 

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

 

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58p60ry

 

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

 

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

 

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

 

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c58uImMe

 

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

 

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

 

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5905Syj

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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

 

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

 

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5978Sxr

 

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

 

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

 

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59FuJ7a

 

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

 

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

 

When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour's work isn't bad."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59MgcCZ

 

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

 

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

 

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59RZOHR

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One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

 

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

 

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

 

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59Wy800

 

You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'

 

`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59dovVh

 

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

 

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"

 

Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"

 

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"

 

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59jLHoc

 

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"

 

It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

 

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59oNy2K

 

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

 

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59t67kH

 

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

 

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

 

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

 

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c59zQxCf

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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

 

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

 

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

 

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5A5loqH

 

A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

 

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.

 

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

 

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it's starting to rain."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5AActs4

 

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

 

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly - after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

 

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

 

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5AHnk9R

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A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

 

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5AMnWFe

 

Why God Created Lawyers

 

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

 

And so God created lawyers.

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5AS2Sr1

 

Merry Christmas in Legal Terms

 

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5AWMmss

 

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

 

Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

A prison guard is shaving your head.

 

 

Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/lawyer_...p#ixzz2c5AaCxSt

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